red scooter

just how far can we stretch the elasticity of my heart before it snaps

General observations:

your shit is fucked.

do the world a favor and buy some rope

maybe home depot is having a sale on some of the good sturdy stuff.

you are useless waste of space
but don't worry

you're not the only one.

i'd brave those mountain passes if they could prove my heart beats

falling backwards
not seeing to what you are subject
that might be the point
if not now then later
whatever
fall
if it dosent happen
which it needs to
i'll spend the rest of my days running away
and im not much for endurance
the white and the green have slowed me
these colors and their consistency couldnt make me feel any less alone

i'd walk exposed in the snowiest mountain passes
if they could prove i still feel

when you ask me if i love you
i cant look far enough away
because i dont remember what love is supposed to be

except that its subjective
and so are we.

be my mountain
and i will give you my heart.

leave me alone

i am so done with everything.

if you're reading this, you found some time

and you'll know who you are a few lines into this.
you'll know because youre the only person who has ever looked at me with such admiration and not ulterior motive.
the only person who has acted with admirable eloquence in such a regular state of lush.
you're worth every second of my time and yet im counting down the days when we have none left.

you've come half way across the world only to find the most average, uninteresting teenage waste.
if this intrigues you- my memory will soon be nothing more then dust

the world is full of jaded, broken people like me
soon enough you will be too.

something about you makes me believe in god,
the rest of you gives him a bad name.

in another world you are another person
in every reflective surface i am another person.
every mirror i look into presents this absurd opaque reflection that does nothing but stare back


i emit no feeling that could ever be tangible to the heart
but how could you have ever known this.

reality check

There will eventually come a time when everyone will prove their worth- amongst friends family and most importantly- self.

but what if your whole life is a selfish pursuit?

and your regard for things is so self centered that you hurt everyone you know.

are you that fucked up? honestly.

i have spent my life in an ignorant dream that people dont hurt people intentionally.
after many enlightenments i see that our nature as humans is a cruel self centered one.

and in the end we are all out to get ours.

today

it pissed rain all day at work.
i came up with this because it was filling my head and suffocating me- to be as dramatic as possible of course.

I shut my mouth in the passing days because saying nothing is better then saying anything at all. Still i don't even cross your mind- i tired once but you waved me out of your face like a fly. It makes sense i suppose, how could anyone grow to like a buzzing in their ears while they try to sleep?
world peace is more likely then me and you. I hope for something so childishly only to be sot down like an unmarked plane in skies of war.
there is nothing here. There is only me and what i choose to dream about to pass the days that you could care less and less. There is no peace for a restless undesired heart. I mean nothing to you and nothing hurts more then truth. there is absolutely nothing more pathetic then dwelling on this like i do- if you could care any less id only want you more.

Painful.

I dont have the witt
to compose sentences to do justice to the loneliness i feel
words are so empty unless they are used to hurt
and it seems i havent got anything nice left to say
and you wont even talk to me
so whats left but empty space
and a heart that aches.

the truth is, im tired of these friends with all to familiar faces
and antics that have no substantial bases
conversations about the same things repeated more then twice
and then a million times over again

frowns and indecisive hours
dancing around fires to hot to touch
topics too damp to ignite
relationships to cold to heat
backs turned just so
and we cant see the expressions on their faces
the explanations to the tones that remain underlined

higlighted and italicized
is my contempt for the lack of progress in these shallow empty interactions.

i want something real
that isnt a chemical
that isnt a pill

i'd die to feel something real for just one week
one day
one hour
one minute
of
just
pure
happiness.

Happy Birthday Kid

It been my 19th birthday for oh..say 3 hours now
and all i do is toss and turn
and i am so lonely
i miss you so much

i miss a cheek to kiss
a hand to hold
eyes to love

im tired of being sad and lonely.

this broken heart will not sleep
and it keeps me staring into nothing

Shallow white suburban kid troubles

i eat, but food tastes like nothing
i move but hardly gracefully.
i try but not nearly enough.
i drink and i drink a little more everyday
i sleep but its more like blacking out.
i close my eyes and when i open them I'm in the same place merely another day to pretend to love- to live through- just get it over with
soon this will be over and i'll be me again.
everyday is a step forward but nothing more then a static thought in my mind
my body moves- my mind lags behind it
you cant sit and wait for life to come to you
but I'm tired of chasing it
my eyes are puffed closed
my heart is merely paper mache and someone has popped the balloon inside
Hollow
i need to start again
rip this paper glue shell open and throw it away
Maybe this time i'll be something convincing- something well founded
Maybe i can evolve
Something more then this feeble decrepit form simply making it day to day
there has to be more to life then this
there has to be a way out of this

Between my four walls and whats behind your monitor

i'm the kind of person that will sleep in my socks just in case my house catches fire and i have to run outside.
i plan my death in my head and try to imagine who would cry at my funeral
i execute self destruction to see who will bring me flowers in the hospital
i lie to make my story seem more tragic then it is
i drink to get drunk because i hate the taste of alcohol
i listen to sad songs to enhance the brokeness of my broken heart
i want pity, but i hate crying in front of my family
i break down over the smallest things
i make plans i know i cant carry out
i talk to people i hate- while pretending to be their friend
then i criticize people who the same thing
i sleep in my clothes because im too lazy to get changed
i dont always wash the makeup off my face
i dream of freedom while i waste my money on things that hold me back from my dreams
i find love in all the wrong places
i take advantage of the good things i have in life
i say terrible things that i regret seconds later
i cry myself to sleep because its a comforting feeling of hopelessness
i lie awake and claim i cant sleep when the truth is i'm waiting for something
and i know its never coming.