Happy Birthday Kid

It been my 19th birthday for oh..say 3 hours now
and all i do is toss and turn
and i am so lonely
i miss you so much

i miss a cheek to kiss
a hand to hold
eyes to love

im tired of being sad and lonely.

this broken heart will not sleep
and it keeps me staring into nothing

Shallow white suburban kid troubles

i eat, but food tastes like nothing
i move but hardly gracefully.
i try but not nearly enough.
i drink and i drink a little more everyday
i sleep but its more like blacking out.
i close my eyes and when i open them I'm in the same place merely another day to pretend to love- to live through- just get it over with
soon this will be over and i'll be me again.
everyday is a step forward but nothing more then a static thought in my mind
my body moves- my mind lags behind it
you cant sit and wait for life to come to you
but I'm tired of chasing it
my eyes are puffed closed
my heart is merely paper mache and someone has popped the balloon inside
Hollow
i need to start again
rip this paper glue shell open and throw it away
Maybe this time i'll be something convincing- something well founded
Maybe i can evolve
Something more then this feeble decrepit form simply making it day to day
there has to be more to life then this
there has to be a way out of this

Between my four walls and whats behind your monitor

i'm the kind of person that will sleep in my socks just in case my house catches fire and i have to run outside.
i plan my death in my head and try to imagine who would cry at my funeral
i execute self destruction to see who will bring me flowers in the hospital
i lie to make my story seem more tragic then it is
i drink to get drunk because i hate the taste of alcohol
i listen to sad songs to enhance the brokeness of my broken heart
i want pity, but i hate crying in front of my family
i break down over the smallest things
i make plans i know i cant carry out
i talk to people i hate- while pretending to be their friend
then i criticize people who the same thing
i sleep in my clothes because im too lazy to get changed
i dont always wash the makeup off my face
i dream of freedom while i waste my money on things that hold me back from my dreams
i find love in all the wrong places
i take advantage of the good things i have in life
i say terrible things that i regret seconds later
i cry myself to sleep because its a comforting feeling of hopelessness
i lie awake and claim i cant sleep when the truth is i'm waiting for something
and i know its never coming.